(As imagined by DAVE BROMAGE)
SUNDAY
THE Vunipola brothers both have knee injuries. Well, carrying around that sort of weight has got to put a strain on the old joints.
It’s a blow. Mind you, it means there’ll be more food to go around at dinner time! Have you seen the rest of my squad? They’re positively malnourished.
We’re big favourites to win the Six Nations but I know to my cost how complacency can make you slip up. So I order rubber safety mats in the showers for all.
MONDAY
I’M getting a lot of flak for saying in an interview that I’ll be reincarnated as an otter. But I bloody love those little critters.
We’re quite similar. Otters might look cheeky, cute and chubby-cheeked… but rile us up and we’ll have your fricking fingers off in a heartbeat.
Also, I’m quite elusive and the best way of tracking me down is by searching for the pungent, fishy faecal deposits I leave in my wake.
TUESDAY
FORMER Scotland coach Jim Telfer says I’m arrogant and disrespectful like Donald Trump.
Well, I HAVE made England great again. Bigly.
Telfer’s problem is he’s just a loser. Sad.
He’s even called Twickenham fans ‘poshos’. It’s totally unfair and inaccurate. I tell the head of the England Supporters Club what Telfer’s said and he damned near chokes on his black-truffle caviar blini.
WEDNESDAY
MIKE BROWN reckons his designer girlfriend Eliza Woodcock has made him a fashion icon. Hmmm, your head still looks like a potato, son. Now it’s just in a more expensive jacket.
George Kruis is the latest injury in training, following Anthony Watson.
“Hey, you either go tough or go home. If you want non-contact, play volleyball,” I tell my players. An hour later, I’ve got a rebellion on my hands. Maro Itoje’s set up the net and the lads refuse to get off court.
THURSDAY
IT’S great that Joe Marler is available to play for us just three weeks after breaking a leg.
He’s put it all down to drinking two pints of milk a day, while I reckon it’s got something to do with all the sea air he gets down in East Sussex.
Certainly beats the usual rugby-player routine of drinking aftershave and breathing in the smoke from the farts you’ve just lit.
FRIDAY
RUMOURS abound of cocaine use in rugby but there’s nothing like that in our squad. Our uber aggression and inflated egos are all natural, I promise.
Not like those football wimps. I read about Saido Berahino testing positive for MDMA. Suspicions were first raised when he was sent on a three-month training camp to Ibiza.
Berahino grew up in Burundi, which is ranked as the second unhappiest place on the planet. Behind Stoke.
SATURDAY
WE may get called arrogant but it’s hard to be modest when you’re as terrifyingly brutal as we are.
I’ve been building up talk of war this week, because I figured that was all I needed to do to make the French surrender.
Mind you, for a while it looks like we’re the kind of soldiers who shot themselves in the foot. Luckily, Ben Te’o wins it for us in the end.
Fifteen in a row! No one can beat us! And I mean that in a real sense, not the Jurgen Klopp sense.
Dave Bromage 